Welcome to The Briefcase

Commentary and analysis of Ohio criminal law and whatever else comes to mind, served with a dash of snark.  Continue Reading »


Friday Roundup

No way this guy "lacks insight."  One of the good career decisions I made was starting up this blog.  It's gotten me business, and gives some people the illusion that I know what I'm talking about, which is usually to my advantage.  One of the bad career decisions I made was signing up for appointments to criminal cases on the mental health docket over at Common Pleas court.  You have to be actively psychotic to be placed on the docket, and it probably doesn't hurt to be actively psychotic to take those cases, either.  You get paid the same amount of money, and it's about three times the work.

One of them was for a guy who we'll call Mark, who had an unfortunate run-in with somebody else, and the somebody else got the worst of it.  The somebody else happened to be his mother.  Since "the bitch deserved it" didn't seem like a viable defense in this case, I worked out a deal, and, to my surprise (and probably his own), the judge put Mark on paper.

Where he actually has done quite well in the past 18 months.  He's attended both inpatient and outpatient drug treatment, kept up with his mental health treatment, stayed on his meds, and stayed out of trouble.  He kept using marijuana.

So we had a probation violation hearing the other day.  The judge indicates that he can't overlook Mark's drug use, even though it is marijuana.  At which point Mark launches into a spirited defense of his use, arguing that it kept him from stressing out, his claims culminating with the candid admission:

"I never would have caught this case if I would have smoked.  I know that this sounds crazy, but I am an asshole when I am sober."

Somehow, I don't see NORML making Mark their spokesman for marijuana legalization.

Bullshit lawsuit of the week.  Okay, I know you don't eat Cocoa Pebbles.  But your kid might or, more importantly, watch TV commercials about it on the Saturday morning cartoons.  And if your kid comes to you and says, "Boy, Hulk Hogan sure is a wuss," you'll know she watched this one.


And you'll begin to understand why Hulk Hogan decided to file a Federal lawsuit against the makers of the cereal, bemoaning the fact that he "is shown humiliated and cracked into pieces with broken teeth, with the closing banner, 'Little Pieces…BIG TASTE!" 

Meanwhile, the jury is still deliberating in Wile E. Coyote's products liability suit against Acme Co. is progressing, following the plaintiff's opening statement, some of which is reprised below:

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

And in the Too Much Information Department, Lowering the Bar informs us that former KISS member Gene Simmons is defending a lawsuit by who woman who alleged that he "engaged in 'humping' and 'grinding'" her during her visit to a studio last year, claiming that the alleged acts were impossible "because he was wearing his KISS costume at the time and his groin was therefore heavily armored."


Recent Entries

  • January 19, 2018
    The search for data
    I know more about how Aaron Judge does than what sentences are being handed down in criminal cases, and why that's a problem.
  • January 17, 2018
    What's Up in the 8th
    When not to decide cases on allied offenses and pre-indictment delay
  • January 11, 2018
    Case Update
    Three new decisions from the Ohio Supreme Court
  • January 10, 2018
    To the barricades!
    Why I'm a threat to the Ohio state government
  • January 5, 2018
    Search and seizure in the digital age
    Do the cops need a warrant to get cell phone data?
  • January 3, 2018
    What's Up in the 8th
    We talk about me a lot, but there's some other stuff, too
  • January 2, 2018
    He's baaaack
    So I thought I'd start my first post in six weeks by explaining why it's my first post in six weeks. Ever run into somebody and ask the obligatory question, "How are you doing?" And they proceed to tell you...
  • November 15, 2017
    What's Up in the 8th
    Plea withdrawals (again), sexual predator hearings, and an appellate law question
  • November 7, 2017
    What's Up in the 8th
    Don't listen to prosecutors about the law, good new/bad news jokes on appeal, and the Byzantine course of a death penalty case
  • October 24, 2017
    What's Up in the 8th
    Trying to change the past